.starting tomorrow, i will never look back.

Life is once again testing my limits, with this time being much more upclose and personal than ever before.  For whatever it's worth, I've had enough.  A reality turned upside down in two short days for a reason as illogical as the situation itself.

I cannot bear to blame.  I cannot bear to hate. 

Tonight I'm closing my eyes,

and never looking back. 

.forgetting love.

Let me forget the sight of you

Then I’ll remember how the world looked before I was blinded

Let me forget the resonance of your voice

Then I’ll remember the sounds around me

Let me forget the scent of your cologne

Then I’ll remember the smell of my perfume

Let me forget the touch you bring

Then I’ll remember how to feel

Numb me from my five senses

So I can finally stop loving you.  

.in the wake of change.

Be it short or long, there is a 'transitional' phase in the course of every change:  A disturbing kind of stillness or calmness before every storm, or a period of planning and preparation chaos prior to the debut of an event.  No matter how it happens, your gut has a way of interpreting the surrounding events as a sign that you're at the transition point for change.

There is a particular change that will happen in my life, and I am fully aware of it.  It’s one of those rare changes in life where I have pretty much complete control as to when it would take place.  But due to the distinct quality of mine – wanting balance, harmony, and perfect execution – I’ve been waiting for the perfect timing before making that step.  I’ve been conservative and cautious about the move, so I left it sitting on the shelf.    

As with a lot of things in life that somehow just find their way out – I feel like the tide is now taking me to the transitional phase.  I think and reflect a lot, and there are many times when these thoughts have no conclusion.  But today, I sat down and my gut is telling me to transition and let this change occur.

This particular ‘change’, is pretty straight forward and simple in most people’s eyes, yet it is far more complex according to my peripherals.  And like I said, I’m a believer in the perfect execution and therefore I tend to overanalyze the situation.  To me, this change involves a complete alteration of my existing life – professionally, socially, emotionally, and geographically.  This is a positive change that leads to a path of much uncertainty, but should I put effort in mastering the execution and have a bit of luck on my side, it will turn into great success.  

I’ve come to realize that perfect harmony cannot be achieved in all these aspects, but there is a way to make transitions in each of these aspects as smooth as possible. 

I have reached the ‘transition’ point and really have to think things through – I’m torn between honoring the commitments I have made and which ones can I break them; I’m battling between moving from stability and known risk to challenging and uncharted waters;

As funny as it sounds, I’m leaving a life that I have built from nothing… to a life which already exists but I will need to start again from ground zero.    

The decision has been made.  The change is due.

And what I need in this transition guiding me to the change is the perfect timeline and plan.  

.moving on. letting go.

For the longest time, I carried the feeling of blame and guilt on myself for what I had let go.  I felt my hands were red and I shattered what could have been something so perfect.  Despite advice telling me that things are over and there was no need for me to be so harsh on myself, I could not get past the mentality that there is a constant need for self-punishment.  To which I did - self esteem took itself to a low point, I would throw myself into believing that there was something real when all it ever did was inflict pain on me, I was in denial and I believe I deserved nothing but getting hurt.  Pain became love. 

Then all it took was that one moment to take you out of your world of darkness, perhaps when you least expect it too.  Even though many have told me to let go, it took that specific conversation to finally pull me out.  To learn that I was not alone in my experiences finally gave me the courage to walk away from the guilt and blame I had on my shoulders.   I was exhausted, but relieved that I could at last, leave my past for good.  And this has given me the power to move on from all the other bad encounterings I had. 

I could finally rebuild myself and start fresh. 

It's a true new beginning. 

.bittersweet love.

I sat down in front of the screen, headphones in my ears, and absorbed in my own world.  As I closed my eyes and listened to Michelle Branch, I did just what she told me to do - Breathe..

My heart fluttered and soul awakened as memories of him washed in.  It was a bittersweet love - one that was unconditional and acknowledged.  It was clandestinely real, and as beautiful and intoxicating as it was, its reality did not loom in the near horizon.  Loving someone with so much passion and feeling is not easy when you can only feel it but not live it.  He had swept me away and taken me to senses I never thought one could possibly feel.  And as the world watched while I become bruised and intoxicated in the venonomous cycle, I watched the world fade away everytime he entered the stage.  As poisonous as his presence was, my body and soul fed on it.  If anything, it was more painful when I try to pull away from it.  I had my doubts, but I refuse to believe that it was one way.  I've experienced the look in his eyes, the words he uttered, the way he has touched - I know deep down if the circumstances were different, the story would be rewritten.  But if loving him from afar gives me far greater happiness than my efforts to erase him, then I have found my peace. 

The most heartwrenching part is opening your eyes and knowing that you can only burry the treasure of these memories in your mind.  But when that love is what you feel so strongly, you would choose to overlook all the bitterness and indulge in the sweet dream that perhaps one day - you will finally catch that falling star. 

I closed my eyes and breathed again.